Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
The world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
Doesn’t make any sense. (Rumi)
REFLECTIONS ON BEING and EMOTION
Over a number of years working with clients, whether during counselling, or using The Journey (a profound healing process pioneered by Brandon Bays), I have come to see that there is widespread confusion in the thinking about emotions .
Read MoreThe Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond. (Rumi)Over a number of years working with clients, whether during counselling, or using The Journey (a profound healing process pioneered by Brandon Bays), I have come to see that there is widespread confusion in the thinking about emotions. People speak about negative emotions such as fear, hate, guilt, anger, sadness, etc., and positive emotions such as happiness, the feeling of being accepted, the sense of achievement, etc. They generally wish to avoid the former and acquire the latter. However, what these two types of emotion appear to share is that they are both triggered by external circumstances. Thus, sadness or anger, among the negative emotions, could be brought on by losing your job, failing an exam, or being ignored, etc., and happiness, a positive emotion, could be triggered by a promotion at work, an unexpected gift, or being praised, etc.
These perceptions would seem to place all emotions in one camp, the individual shifting between the poles of negativity and positivity according to the flavour of the day! Whether negative or positive, emotions, based on this general perspective, appear to show themselves in response to external circumstances.
I would like to suggest a healthier way of looking at this:
Emotions, as defined above,come and go depending on circumstances. Thus the negativity of fear might be diminished if the object of fear is removed, or if the intervention of someone offering protection changes the situation. Likewise, the positivity of happiness could easily dissipate if the gift gets stolen, or the presence of someone we adore is removed from our life.
States of being, unlike emotions, do not come and go – they are attributes of our essential nature. Such states of being – joy, peace, love, and the like – do not need a reason for their existence. (These states of being are referred to by St. Paul as the “fruit of the Spirit” in his letter to the Galatians, ch.5, verses 22, 23). This is the difference between true happiness, for example, which pervades the individual without there being a need for any reason and irrespective of outer circumstances, and false happiness which is based on identification with some outer circumstance, person or object, and is thus unreliable, since it is vulnerable to any changes in the relationship with that situation, person or object.
Making this distinction also helps us in dealing with emotions. With keen observation, it can be seen that emotions have their place in our everyday experience. We wouldn’t be human if we were totally devoid of emotions. It may seem strange at first, but the way to deal with negative emotions, such as fear, anger, despair, etc., is not to resist them. Whereas, the way to deal with so-called positive emotions, such as happiness, is by not trying to hold on to them.
Despair and euphoria are two sides of the same coin of our emotional life! In the same way, acceptance and non-attachment are two sides of the coin of our spiritual life or being-ness.
Acceptance: Facing the Tiger
In the Eastern traditions, there is an interesting metaphor which is used to describe the way of resolving emotional fixation: “face the tiger,” or in another stronger version, “put your head into the tiger’s mouth!” When a powerful emotion such as fear, grief, loss, despair or the like gets a grip, the spiritual invitation says: do not run away, neither struggle with the emotion, nor play it out, but face it and surrender, even welcome the intense discomfort of the moment, embracing fully whatever is here. Instead of the usual alternatives of either repressing or expressing negative emotions, here is another, more skilful possibility: opening to the direct experience of an emotion. This leads to inner freedom.
When genuine danger arises, fear is a natural and appropriate physiological response at the level of our sense of individuality, which seems threatened. If the fear is still present, albeit at an unconscious level, weeks, even years, later, that emotion has become toxic. Healing takes place when the emotion in question can be
(1) brought back into the conscious experience of the individual concerned, and
(2) welcomed, even embraced fully, without reservation. In this way, the emotion serves as a gateway to a deeper emotion; if the same approach is applied as each new emotion surfaces, eventually the individual will go deeper than all emotion into the underlying, ever-free, ever-pure, immortal being, the true Self of all.
Non-attachment
According to Swami Vivekananda, non-attachment is the essence of yoga. The key here is not to struggle to give up anything, renounce pleasure, or the like. The spiritual invitation says: do not hold on to the enjoyment of this moment of happiness, let the apparent source of the happiness go should it choose to do so.
There are four lines from the pen of the poet William Blake which sum up this approach perfectly:
He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies,
Lives in eternity’s sunrise.Trying to cling onto what we think makes us happy is the other side of being unhappy due to the perception of the lack of that something. There is no reason not to enjoy whatever good comes into our field of experience. If we are resting in the fullness of who we are, we will not lose an atom of joy with the passing out of our field of experience of that particular object of enjoyment.
How it works
How do acceptance and non-attachment work in the circumstances described above? They work because these two fundamental attitudes are attributes of being or pure consciousness. They heal by dissolving the manifest emotion into the un-manifest ocean of being, from which everything that arises eventually returns.
Through acceptance, we discard not a single passing experience that bobbles upon the surface of our universal being-ness any more than the infinite sky could be concerned with a passing cloud; and through non-attachment we are unconcerned about the momentary passing of any pleasure upon the surface of our abundant and joyful Self which is eternally complete and needs no thing.
In other words, as universal love, bliss and consciousness, I accept every experience that unfolds before the eye of my being and simultaneously I am not attached to any experience, good, bad or indifferent. I remain even-minded in the midst of success or failure, praise or blame or any of the other dichotomies which are an essential part and parcel of manifest existence.
Emotions will play their part in my life, but they cannot be a source of suffering. Painful experiences are bound to rise up during the course of any living embodiment on earth. They only become suffering when we attach a story to them, and keep stirring the pot of that story, so to speak. That is, suffering appears when I identify who I am with the drama of life and so want to make changes from an individual, separate perspective. Then the struggle begins, and more suffering is generated.
If I can stand back, as it were, and witness the shifting course of an individual existence with the twin attributes of acceptance and non-attachment, then, yes, there will be painful moments, and yes, there will be moments of fun, goodness and joy. But through it all, my essential nature will remain undisturbed, ever at rest, as pure, overflowing bliss and love.
Recommended Reading
Brandon Bays – The Journey
Brandon Bays – Freedom Is (especially ch. 5, Emotions)
Gangaji – The Diamond in Your Pocket
(especially ch.26, Directly Experiencing the Emotions)
Gangaji – You are That!
Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now
MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE UNKNOWN
The unknown beckons you unceasingly. It is drawing your soul towards freedom, consciousness and truth. It says, “let go of the known” – for the known is finished, it is over, dead. The known is your past, the conditioned patterns that have failed to serve your highest good. The known feeds your expectations and projects a future that is dependent on the past.
Read MoreThe unknown reveals itself in the Now and is engaged by the inner, true Self; the ego-mind, however, has a habit of super-imposing its previously learned tendencies onto this ever-new epiphany; it thus misses the incredible beauty and wonder that emerges without ceasing!
Tanzan and Ekido were once travelling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.
Coming round a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.
“Come on girl,” said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.
Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple.
Then he no longer could restrain himself. “We monks don’t go near females,” he told Tanzan, “especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?”
“I left the girl there,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”Can you, like Tanzan: make friends with the unknown? The unknown abounds with potential; the unknown unfolds as fresh, new, magical. Do not let the known become a burden to haunt you, as it did with Ekido.
But take note, the unknown is not the future. It awaits you here, eternally present; you can receive it – but it cannot be grasped or possessed. And be watchful, for the mind would like to categorise, define, limit, compare and contrast this that arises in the eternal present. If this happens, the unknown has passed you by, and you are left with a pale imitation, a discarded shell which is erroneously taken to be the reality.
The mind will believe it has arrived; however, it has simply opted for an empty memory instead of the beauty and wonder that emerges moment by moment.
The unknown is the death of the ego. For the true Self is beyond all name and form, whereas the ego is a self-created identity fed by attachment to the known. The ego is terrified of the unknown, for the unknown is uncompromisingly vast and free and there is nowhere in the unknown for the ego to abide or hold on to. However, the true Self, the essential being, is an expression itself of the unknown and loves to expand into its eternal presence. This is the meaning of the words of Jesus, “The foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head”. This nowhere, this unknown, is ever present.
So in the phenomenal world of existence, it is possible for me to be physically sit-uated in a particular place, associated with certain people, and playing out a particular role whilst at the same time enjoying the boundless consciousness, the eternal here-and-now, the richness of the unknown.
If you were to look at your fears, ask yourself, what are they based on? The known! What you have previously experienced, what you have been through, what you have been taught – the known. Your fears keep you tied to the ego’s accumulated past. The ego is, in a sense, all that you have ever known.
What if you were to let it all go? Dive into the unknown! What would happen? Surprise, surprise – you would still be you, but you re-born, free, innocent, open, without a name, no past, no history, conscious of an unlimited potential within the vast scheme of existence.
Therefore, make friends with the unknown. Delight in the unexpected. Open your heart to the never-been-before-ness of even those things which are part of the apparent regularity of daily life. You’ll find joy, peace, bliss, freedom and love that are unconditional. You’ll think, say and do things out of character (what character anyway?). You’ll forget every wrong done to you – what a blissful amnesia! You’ll dance to the tune of the infinite.
From the perspective of the unknown, give up all you know about anyone. See them afresh every moment. No past. No projections. When you meet someone, see them as if for the first time – even those you’ve “known” the longest! Do not expect the same behaviour, attitude or words from them. The ego expects the conditioned response – the true Self expects nothing. Being free creates the potential, the possibility, for freedom to show itself in the other. Embrace the unknown within and without. Give up relationships based on ego-to-ego trappings. As you embrace the unknown, let your relationships flow in conscious freedom and mutual awareness born of unconditional love.
Of course, this approach to life implies a genuine openness to being free. The freedom that comes from making friends with the unknown is priceless. Unlike being tethered to the ego whose price is perpetual bondage.
The true Self is ever-free. And so is the choice – to be free or not – a free choice.
AFTERTHOUGHT
Question: What is the unknown? Answer: It is God manifesting to you right Now!
THE LAW OF NON-ATTACHMENT
Much has been written in recent years about The Law of Attraction – in fact, it is a modern re-interpretation of older teachings about the power of intention which, when rightly harnessed, can call forth a desired response from the universe.
Read MorePerhaps even more important to understand is The Law of Non-attachment which is complimentary to The Law of Attraction. Personally, I get the sense that non-attachment is a necessary quality of any intention to attract something from the vast storehouse of potential which is this universe – only conjoined with non-attachment will the intention be pure and selfless.
It is necessary that the intention of your heart be for the highest good, meaning that it is not born of any selfish motive. For example, such an intention would not be based on a desire to change what are perceived as undesirable circumstances. If, in particular, we take financial considerations, openness to greater monetary wealth would not be based on a sense of some existing lack. When our attention is truly rooted in the present, the eternal Now, there is only a sense of fullness or abundance; there is no indulgence in mental comparisons with the financial wealth of others, because in this moment all is complete.
According to Swami Vivekananda, non-attachment is the essence of all the yogas. Action free of attachment creates no karma, whereas action in which there is some grasping by the ego for a desired result attracts karmic consequences.
What do I desire? It depends on what is meant by “I”! If “I” represents the conglomeration of conditioning, thoughts, emotions, hang-ups, and so on, which make up the perceived separate entity that we conveniently call the ego, then what this “I” desires will be conditioned and limited. However, if “I” represents that essential Self, which is One, the Self of all, unconditioned and ever free, that “I” does not “desire” in the same manner as the ego; rather, the intention emanating from this source will be in alignment with the deepest universal purpose, and thus naturally “seek first the kingdom of God” to which all lesser needs will “be added” as appropriate (cf. Matthew 6:33).
When we are attached to people, things and situations, we believe that we need these for our happiness. Attachment creates a dependency and should not to be confused with love as, unfortunately, it often is. As attachment to anything gets stronger, there is a simultaneous increase in the endeavour to keep the object of attachment at all costs. It is like an addiction, and manifests through behaviours such as control, manipulation, abuse and ultimately violence. Attachment also shows up as clinging, based on the belief that “I am” enhanced by the object of desire. Grief, rage or depression most often follows if loss of the object occurs.
In present-day society, “attachment” is often regarded as the normal way of relating (although this word itself is rarely used). This is revealed in the songs we hear, the films we watch; and they in turn simply reflect the social acceptance of co-dependency as the norm.
Mutual love in a relationship is truly beautiful, and if it is genuine love, neither party in the relationship seeks to possess or restrict the other. Love does not cling, whereas being attached is based on the false idea, working away unconsciously in the background, that the beloved somehow upholds and makes valid “my” sense of self-identity. This force of attachment is powered by fear and lack – “I need you!”
In contrast to attachment, which is an acquired condition, love is an attribute or quality of our divine nature from which nothing can ever be added or taken away. That is why genuine love does not seek to possess or control.
The journey from attachment to love becomes possible the more we can actually see for ourselves the attachment or the clinging to people or situations. It requires sufficient stillness to inwardly step back and see objectively those acquired thought patterns, emotions, and intentions. We then have the choice, together with finer levels of awareness, to let them go. Then what we once considered natural, much of it having formed our social and cultural baggage, will give way before the more universal quality of love which always goes hand-in-hand with awareness and non-attachment.
Sooner or later, life will compel each one of us to realise this fundamental truth:
No other person, thing or situation can ever be the source of my happiness.
Nothing without can fill the emptiness and aloneness within.
“Within be fed, without be rich no more” says Shakespeare in one of his sonnets. Within be fed through your undying, eternal nature. Seeking love or approval from others does not work. To be loved by another is a great gift. By all means accept the gift of love, but make no attempt to control, manipulate or even hold on to such love. That too does not work.
By all means delight in the moments of love shared with others; delight in beautiful things and situations. At the same time, realise the truth that all the mystics teach – that we are wayfarers, passing through this world of phenomena. Life is a School of Love, guiding us towards the way of true freedom which necessarily involves love and non-attachment.
In his famous passage on Love, St. Paul states that love “seeks not her own” (1 Cor. 13: 5). In other words, Love, being free of all lack, requires nothing in order to be fulfilled. Love is the very heart and substance of the universe itself. Everything flows from Love to Love! It has no need to attract anything to itself.
In Love, the “Law of Attraction” comes to rest.